Finding Trust in a Codependent Relationship

Published: 08th September 2008
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Trust is an important element in every relationship. If trust isn't a priority within the relationship, there isn't much of a relationship. As codependents, we learned a lot of the traits we carry with us throughout our life in our early childhood. As children we are pretty adaptive to our circumstances, but when we see inconsistencies in our environment we tend to focus on them and we end up reacting instead of acting on them. We then have not only a lack of trust in others, but also in ourselves. Emotional trust may be missing in our relationships due to what we lived through as children.

Being codependent can be like being addicted to another person and letting the other's behavior affect how we feel and what we do. When the other cannot support us as we need them to, we lose trust and learn to shut down our emotions.

We may have grown up feeling neglected and emotionally abandoned and have low self-esteem if any. We have learned not to trust others let alone ourselves, partly because we tend to repeat the patterns in our life that are so familiar. We choose to love unavailable people, to depend on people who are undependable and to trust the untrustworthy. We then make a decision that this other person knows more about our feelings and what we want more than we do. We begin to abandon what we know and then stop trusting ourselves.

Relationship can be like a roller coaster ride. Trust comes over time. Trust can be an attitude we acquire. What we are looking for in another is usually what we long to find in ourselves. The first step is learning to trust ourselves. Take it slowly with little steps if necessary.

As we begin to learn to trust ourselves and accept ourselves our attitude will change. Once we trust ourselves and our decisions we can branch out and learn to trust more than we have in the past. Just as we took it slowly as we began to trust ourselves again that is how we should approach the things in our life where we would like trust to be present. We will attract to us what we expect.

Communication is key in any relationship. It is important to not only talk but to listen too. Each person's self-worth should be acknowledged. If there are any problems they should be faced. Working together to solve problems will build trust. Believe the other is able. Believe in your heart that they are capable. Trust will grow from there.

Don't keep secrets from each other. That is a sure fire way to erode trust. Secrets require a lot of energy. Let your words match your message. Make sure you are predictable both in your words as well as your actions. If you or the other is unwilling to share your values or feelings or are unable to take a stand on issues, trust will not be built. Each should reveal the standards they think are important. Let the other know and help them to understand what it is that drains your energy. Let them know what your boundaries are. Once the other knows where you draw the line, it will build trust knowing where each stands.

Obstacles and trials will come, but embracing the difficulties is trusting that you will find your true self. A relationship with a strong foundation of friendship and trust will be strong. Trust is a two-way street and both person's actions will reflect on that trust. Learn to listen, respect and accept the other. Communicate with language that expresses respect rather than allegations and you will build trust within the relationship.

You don't have the power to alter how the other reacts, but you do have control over your actions, and those actions will speak louder than words. Put aside any problems you may have had. Put your trust into the relationship. Give opportunities to prove trustworthiness. We must grow as individuals and take responsibility for our own lives. An ideal relationship is one where we are independent but also interdependent because we know that we don't need the other yet we choose to be together because we are stronger when we are.

Trust begins when you become trustworthy and you project that trustworthiness onto others. Learn to listen to your inner voice instead of giving your power away to others. Your trust issues will slowly resolve when you become trustworthy and learn to trust what you know deep inside yourself. When you follow thru on what you say and do.

Trust within a relationship is an ongoing process. The crucial ingredients are communication, respect, acceptance and honestly. A good place to start is with yourself. Be true to yourself. Listen to your self. Trust your instincts. You may make mistakes, but you will be well on your way to finding the trust that you are looking for.

© 2008 Lori Klauser

Visit Lori at: Receive her free e-book Traveling the Road of Codependency when you sign up for her newsletter. She takes codependency one-step at a time; delivering concepts that help you master healing.

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