Being a Victim In a Codependent Relationship

Published: 08th September 2008
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When you come to see that you are codependent, you realize you are preoccupied with what the significant other person in your life does, where they are and that you are mostly focused on the happenings in their life and not your own. Maybe your mood influences the one you are focused on or vice-versa. If victims of codependency learn that what they say or do affects the outcome of how a situation plays out in their life, they can acquire significant ability to change the results they see happen.

I will use the term victim to define how a codependent can end up feeling when they continue to put up with circumstances and events that they do not have to. Victims tend to look inside for clarification of why the other acts as they do. They do not understand that it is never their fault to begin with. That may be why victims become scattered in their views and cannot center their feelings and can become confused.

They tend to enter relationships that balance their own view of themselves and that reinforce what they see as their own needs. They tend not to look at their own worries and apprehension that crop up in regards to the relationship. In their own eyes, they probably seem foolish for being concerned about absurd doubts. What they work hardest on is pleasing the other and blame themselves for feeling uncomfortable, though they continue to permit the surroundings to stay the same.

Even though nothing changes and their self-esteem continues to be worn-down they are still mostly worried about how the image of their relationship is represented to the outside world. Still other times they are just trying to keep a sense of tranquility within their own world. Weeks, months or even years may pass before they realize what has become of their inner world. There will come a time they are fed up with conditions in their life and not only want but need a change.

It can seem like a lengthy road that is complete with many twists. There comes a time when they realize the sacrifice they have made. None of the begging and pleading they have done concerning the relationship has worked. Victims of codependency usually can't stand to have anyone angry with them. And, they usually have other people's sympathy of the trials they have withstood regarding the situation.

Codependents usually lack the personal power that would keep things smoothly flowing along without them becoming a victim of the other. But they allow the mistreatment to keep on. By not taking responsibility for themselves, they allow their self-esteem and inner peace to become damaged in order to receive the love and approval they seek. In their mind, if they continue as is, they will help 'heal' the other.

It is an endless cycle that is unrelenting and merciless. Codependents usually do not feel good about themselves, which is why they let things continue as is. It is a no-win situation for both. There may be many forms of abuse codependent put up with, but there may be no end to it when things continue as they are.

If you see all of this as defining your circumstances then in order for you to separate yourself from your significant other, you need to detach yourself from the areas of your life you don't want to be associated with. Begin by getting self-focused on your own life again. Set limits on your involvement or being near the areas you wish not to be associated with. Don't spend your time wallowing in excuses of your own or for the other person. You must be strong enough to separate yourself from the behavior of the other.

Own your own feelings regarding any issues and insist the other person does the same. Start to see this as starting and staying in the 'solution' instead of focusing on or staying in the 'problem' area. There is an old parable regarding an older Cherokee man teaching his grandson about life. He tells the boy, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is evil, one is good." He goes on to describe the emotions of each. He tells the boy the same fight is going on inside him as well as every other person. The boy asks "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replies, "The one you feed."

We all have choices in this life. Your choices may not come to the same conclusion any other comes to. Just remember, they will be the choices you will have to live with. You might have to learn a coping pattern that is right for you. Learning more effective coping strategies that minimize the disturbance you feel is essential.

When it comes right down to it, there really are only two choices. You can either do something to change your situation or do nothing. Don't get stuck in anger by blaming the other. This is not empowering to you. Both you and the other person may have different issues to work through. Self- deception is just another way of giving your personal power away and losing direction over your life. Stop looking at what the other is doing or not doing and start looking at what you are doing.

Being a victim of codependency means it is highly likely that you are a compassionate individual. Start to listen to what is inside of you. Your inner self will provide the way. Refuse to be a victim. Begin to see yourself in a different light. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to trust what you know. Sometimes things will get to a point where you are so miserable you know something must change. When we try to fill a void we feel inside ourselves with something or someone else outside of us, it won't be long before we find that does not and will not work.

There is no standard or typical solution. Not only does the other person need to make an effort, you do too. The situation will not just go away by itself. Standing up and letting the other know you will no longer put up with the way things are anymore. Require that you are treated with respect. Own your own reality. It is about self love. You deserve to be treated with respect. You do have the power to choose the way things happen in your life. You can learn to remove yourself from certain situations that occur. We are all free to make choices and enjoy what is good. Come to see that you deserve better. It is your right. Go with confidence and find it.

© 2008 Lori Klauser

Visit Lori at: Receive her free e-book Traveling the Road of Codependency when you sign up for her newsletter. She takes codependency one-step at a time; delivering concepts that help you master healing.

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