Being a Reactionary in a Codependent Relationship

Published: 08th September 2008
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When you are a reactionary you are reacting to other people including their feelings and their actions to those feelings. We also react to their problems and behaviors surrounding those problems. We then become uncomfortable with what is happening around us. There is a hidden panic within us. We become anxious and fearful. We either try to control the situation or ignore what is happening, which becomes denial. We become so uncomfortable with the situation we then turn it around to blame the other person.

We may create conflicts with others on purpose which we then react to in anger. The feelings we feel cloud our judgemet and the choices we feel are available to us. Throughout our lives we have probably become accustomed to over-reacting as being a normal element to our lives.

Sometimes there is an unseen nervousness that is instilled within us or there is denial. There are many hidden emotions within us. We carry fear, anger, hurt, worry and anxiety so we often over-act. These emotions take any tranquility we have ever felt away from us.

We are always in a near disaster state that we have built up over time. We tend to jump at the first feeling or reaction we have. There is a dimness in our minds that limits the choices we think we have. We often react to what has happened to us in the past without seeing a clear view of the situation in the present. We then lose control and let others control us. We end up reacting to others pain or problems and their feelings and behaviors.

It is often a spur of the moment assessment of what has happened or to what we think has happened. Many times it is just us reacting to a memory of any given situation. It is past experiences that change the way we see things. They may be defenses to a past hurt. When we do that we are unable to truly experience the current state of affairs. The way we end up acting is always a reaction to a past or present event.

Often it is overwhelming to us, which can be why we act out in anger or fear. We will either blame ourselves or the other person then we will in one way or another justify our actions because we have a belief we need to be accepted by others. We become defensive because that helps us to feel in control. Reacting as we do though, usually doesn't work. We don't think before we react and there becomes too much passion to our actions and an urgency to make things work the way we think they should so we can regain control.

Changing our actions to how we react doesn't have to be hard. We don't have to distort the magnitude of the circumstances. We should always follow our intuition. Know, though, that you cannot fix another person. Don't give another person that much power over you. Don't take things personally or so seriously. Separate yourself from any situation if you feel yourself starting to react negatively. There are always other options.

Slow down and see what is really happening. We must decide our behavior needs to change. That is a choice we need to make. We need to learn to take care of ourselves. If we feel there is a problem surrounding any circumstance in our life, we need to take action to identify the problem or what that problem may be. Try not to over-react. Sometimes a past situation will contain or bring forth a negative reaction. If that is hurting you and not producting any welcome condition in your life then separate yourself from it. If you cannot manage your behavior over a certain situation, learn to let it go.

Learning to control your perception of the situation can be a tool for you to use. Trying to justify your over reaction will compound the problem and not allow you to address the problem. Sometimes transfering and shifting your attention onto something else can help. Keeping a journal is helpful but remember to only document the positive things you notice happening with your behavior. Always remember to concentrate on the positive and see things in perspective.

© 2008 Lori Klauser

Visit Lori at: Receive her free e-book Traveling the Road of Codependency when you sign up for her newsletter. She takes codependency one-step at a time; delivering concepts that help you master healing.

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